Part of a community

Dear NAMBLA,

I was browsing through the alternative sexuality newsgroup on USENET one day, and I came across mention of your organization. Someone had recently posted results to a survey on child sex, and one of the responses included a description of NAMBLA and the text from "Where We Stand" in the Bulletin. I could hardly believe such an organization existed! Over the next couple of weeks, several more references to NAMBLA turned up, and I became convinced that it was a serious organization, not a hoax or a joke. So I wrote to you requesting more information and I received my first Bulletin, the April, 1991 issue.

It's hard to express the relief I feel that there are other peds out there who believe in the same things I do. I have been so lonely for someone to talk to about my love for boys.

I have been conscious of my love for boys at least since I was 12 years old, but I didn't really think of myself as a pedophile until my early twenties. I guess I was afraid to think of myself as something that my society largely considers weird and perverted. That didn't stop me, it just taught me to hide What I am. When I was in high school I loved being around the grade nine boys, and I hung out with them whenever possible. I remember one boy in particular, Chris, who was a kindred spirit - a bright, precocious kid who shared my other live at the time, computers. Chris and I became close friends. We lived in the same neighborhood, so I often gave him rides home from school. Chris wanted to hang around with me, and a few times he dropped by my house.

When I think back to the times I spent with Chris, I wish I hadn't been afraid to expand our relationship sexually. When Chris started coming over to visit me, I began to be afraid of what people would think. I knew at the time what I was, and I was afraid that if Chris showed up often enough I might be found out. I hadn't yet come to terms with being a ped, and I was still a victim of society's attitudes about the rights of children, sexually or otherwise. As a result of my fear, I ended up discouraging Chris from coming over, and perhaps lost out on an opportunity to have a loving physical relationship. I am glad, however, that we at least were friends, and had a kind of emotional relationship.

Being a ped makes me feel like a victim. I don't have any choice about it, it's what I am, not what I choose. The only way I can understand how my straight friends can be turned on by a beautiful woman is to liken their reaction to the one I get when I see a beautiful boy. My friend collects Playboy and pornographic computer graphics, and he likes the girls in the beer commercials. I like movie and TV shows with boys in them, especially if they contain skin shots.

I have gone through many stages in coming to terms with being a boy lover. The latest stage has involved the basic question, is it right or wrong? I don't have a lot of respect anymore for what my society thinks. It's pulled too many stupid moves, made stupid laws, lied to too many people. What would be wrong with a child and an adult having a sexual relationship? What would be wrong is where someone is hurt. This is abuse. What would be right is where both people know what is going on, and have a loving, caring relationship. This seems obvious to me now, but it wasn't always that way. I used to have incredible feelings of guilt and fear, but I have come to know myself as a person with a lot of empathy, especially for boys. I am not capable of coercing or abusing them, or anyone for that matter. I would like to be able to share with them the discovery of the pleasures of sexuality, and I want them to learn the truth about sex, and other aspects of life, and not be the robots our society expects them to be. Sex is something that should bind people together, and what is warped and perverted is when sex is used to drive people apart.

I am now 27 years old, and I don't have any friends who are boys. I wish I did. I've considered becoming involved in some youth organization, but I am afraid that would be too obvious. I want to be in the company of boys, even if I don't have the opportunity to have a sexual relationship with them. I really love boys, not just lust after them.

Reading through the sample issue of the Bulletin has made me feel like part of a community. The letter from "a young Canadian ped" on how he became a boy-lover made me think: "Hey, that's just like me." The other articles and letters are marvelous, just what I needed. And the pictures of the boys are excellent.

Ottawa

source: Letter to the editor 'Part of a community' by someone from Ottowa; Nambla Bulletin, vol. 12, no. 8; October 1991